This morning, we had our 3-hour Communication class. I couldn't even...well, the quiz I did so-so on. I forgot so much Kanji this time. But I didn't really feel that panicky Oh-my-gosh-I-don't-know-this feeling. This is so unlike me. What's going on? During class, I was tearing up when Tom and Laurent nominated me as the leader to speak our views on a video I didn't understand. Apparently, that's what I got for wearing my Panda dress because I was dressed "kawaii" according to them. Blast it! Panda dress, you have betrayed me.
Anyways, I kept thinking of how much time and effort I've put into studying and I can't even have a basic conversation. I'm just going through this whole self-doubt phase right now. Then, I compare it to exercise (of course) and it's like well, I still have to build up to be stronger. One does not simply do an hour and a half Jillian workout with 10 lb. dumbbells right away.
I just felt like, after 4 years, I should be better than this. I guess I really lost out on practicing conversation skills and didn't push myself hard enough there.
But today, I was teaching Kirsty exercise moves and she kept saying "I can't" or "I'm not fit enough." And I kept telling her she could and she did do a few moves before fizzling out. But I try to compare how I can't keep saying "I can't" and stuff. I think I'm going to make that a goal for this month. Shut up and stop saying "I can't" and just try harder, listen, and learn. I thought I was doing this, but I think I have to try harder.
One funny thing did happen with my confusion in Japanese. We were going through speaking exercises and Tom and I were partners. I started off in Japanese with:
"Kendo was so hard yesterday!"
"Oh really? You do Kendo?"
"I've never done Kendo before in my life."
Tom is in Kendo and I thought I was supposed to mention that to him and then he asked me if I've ever done it. lololol. Well, sometimes not knowing Japanese very well can be funny.
I'm just a frustrated bunny right now.
After lunch, Kirsty and I went to the gym. She was on 1 hour of sleep and no lunch, so I'm not quite sure how she got herself to do that. I tried to instruct some moves to her and do them with her, but she was more in the mood for the treadmill, so we went our separate ways on that one.
After showering and stuff, we planned to go to Shinjuku to find Grant's place so I can meet him when he gets here on Sunday ^____^. Here's some stereotypical tourist building shots for you:
SO MUCH POTENTIAL.
I walked around for a bit on my own, but it was just chaos. There were so many places with so many people. And it probably didn't help that it was a Friday night. I felt a bit anxious and decided to go home soon after. Oh yeah, and after stumbling down a street that was pretty much Japanese Bourbon Street. I saw huge mechanical robot women that I think fight like battle bots or something. It's like the new Deadmau5 video with Gerard Way, but instead of awesome battle machines that they control, it was really gross looking women. Halp.
I stumbled upon this store on the way back:
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| Lauren |
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| Shawn |
Oh yeah! In between classes, Hanaka found me and gave me a birthday present! This birthday just keeps going XD.
I'm so excited for Grant to get here. It's been. too long. I can't believe he's bringing another suitcase so I can use it when I go back to bring all this stuff. Guys, all this stuff. Beth, this stuff. All of it. Stuff.
So pumped.
SO MUCH STUFF.
ReplyDeleteI WOKE UP AND THOUGHT ABOUT ALL THE STUFF I GOT.
I know exactly how you feel when you say that you don't speak Japanese as well as you thought. Most language classes in high school and college focus on vocabulary and writing, not the actual talking. You studied very hard. You didn't do anything wrong. That's just reality kicking in. Don't sweat it.This is the final lap in college, and the pressure is off to get straight 'A's.
ReplyDeleteI like that giant Hello Kitty at the Gift Gate.Looks like you're going to need that suitcase for all of Beth's gifts--lol.
I'm excited to see Grant in your blog.Have a good time.
Even though I haven't been in the exact position you're in right now (with studying an entirely different language), I really do think what you're feeling is normal for every college student. I know that's how I felt when I was in college. There's usually a milestone during a student's senior year when everything feels pointless, wasted and lost. I also wondered whether the decisions I made, and the direction I chose, were good for me... I'm still wondering that today-- as far as studies go, at least. Self-doubt is so easy-- too easy. Don't get trapped by it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're behind with your language skills. I mean, you're surrounded by people who have been speaking Japanese a lot longer than you. In my linguistics classes, I learned that most people have cutoff points at around twelve years old (from what I remember) when it comes to learning a new language. After that age, peoples' minds are too developed to take in a brand new language. So you really are defying the odds by tackling a Japanese major. Most people don't have the ability to do that at ALL, so I would consider yourself way past the norm. I hope you take that as a compliment. Always try to remember that when you feel like you're struggling during the day.
Wow, I hope you had an awesome reunion with Grant! Ahhh, that's so exciting. I actually had a dream about everyone last night, and I remember Grant being there. It must be a sign. Haha. xD Tell him I say, "HIIII."
Let's make a deal. You buy that entire gift store for me... and we're even. For life. (Even for what, you say? I don't know yet.)